Your kid’s teachers might say it. Your neighbors and friends might say it. Your kid might say it (particularly if he is upset at you). And even you might say “your real parents” when referring to your kid’s old family. The ones that your kid could not stay with because it wasn’t safe for him.

If they are the “real” parents, what does that make you and your partner, if you are in this together? Fake parents? Pretend parents? People who may be somebody or something, but certainly not “real” parents? Does that accurately describe you?

Of you course some people believe there’s those people whose chromosomes your kid carries, and those are her parents, and nobody else is a parent. If you hang out only with biologists, that’s probably true. So all those parents who remarried aren’t real parents, and those dads who never found out that the kid wasn’t their biological child aren’t real parents, and all those parents who dried the tears and worried all night and made the boo boo go away … they aren’t real parents?

Really? Are you kidding me? This makes no sense to me.

Here’s what I think:

If it walks like a parent, and it talks like a parent, and quaks like a parent, and it stays up all night if needed like a parent, and it goes to battle with the school or the neighbors or the doctors or whoever like a parent, and is ignored by the kid like the furniture is because the furniture is always going to be there and boring boring boring, like a parent, it must be a parent. And: if somebody does not walk like a parent, and does not talk like a parent, and does not quak like a parent, and does not go to battle like a parent, and is not being ignored like the furniture is being ignored because it is so boringly always there, like a parent, they are not a parent, the chromosomes be damned. Just a few generations ago we didn’t even know about chromosomes.

Parent is a job description, not something you become just because you had sex once.

There’s a second point, however, that’s harder. For me, the title “parent” is one that has to be earned. It is not bestowed, not because of the chromosomes, or because of giving birth, or the sex, or because some judge or social worker said so. You are only a parent if you do the job of a parent, as well as you possibly can.

The best judge of whether you have earned the title “parent” is your kid. Your kid — in particular if she had a difficult past — is going to notice if you are doing a good job as a parent, and they will tell you. Of course it depends on the age. (Elementary-school age is easiest, before that they aren’t quite grown up enough to understand the concept of parenting, and after that life becomes more complicated.) Maybe they will say “you are a great parent” (but that is unlikely). More likely they will use different words (like “I love you”), or tell you without words, such as with a present (“This rock is very special and I want to give it to you”) or with a smile (you will know when you see it).

There are those times when your kid will tell you, in their own special way, that they realize you are being their parent, and that it is special to them that you are their parent, and that they are so glad you are their parent, and that they accept and consent and approve to you being their parent, and what in the world did they do to deserve you as a parent, and what world of hurt they would be in if you weren’t their parent, and they appreciate it more than they could ever tell you or acknowledge to you or anybody. It probably won’t happen very often. It might be a very fleeting moment, gone in an instant. But if you do your job, they will. (It is the most powerful form of approval you will ever get from anybody in your life. Who cares whether your boss likes you or you got good grades or some award? Earned, and voluntary appreciation from a kid who was put into your house against their will, probably, is something else entirely.)

Maybe they will have a “real” parent some other time. Maybe they already had a “real” parent for some time in the past. Maybe they will be very, very lucky, and have several “real” parents in their lifetime. But right now, you are, and don’t let anybody else tell you otherwise.