(Written previously: Phase 2: The best-behaved kid you can imagine)
Here you are, you think you are getting along fine with this great kid. The kid has learned that you always provide food and a good night story, and that you are there with a band aid and a hug when needed. So everything is great. The adrenaline goes down, and the kid knows they do not need to impress you any more with perfect behavior.
Which is when things get “interesting”. The kid will start opposing you. If you want hot dogs, the kid demands broccoli. You serve broccoli, and the kid will rather starve than touch it. (This could be just half an hour later.) About food. Entertainment. Bed times. Whether to brush their teeth. Homework, of course, and anything else they can think of.
But I used the wrong word. “Oppose” does not begin to describe this. They likely will resist you with everything they have at their disposal. If you have experience with your natural-born children and their tempers, you may think you have seen it all. You have not. This is a completely different game, and everything you learned about how to deal with it is not just ineffective, but the exact opposite of what you need to do. (Trust me on this. I will write more about it later. There’s a logic to the madness. For now, I just want you to know that it will look completely insane to you, and that it is not you. It’s just Phase 3 🙂
Why does the kid do this? It makes no sense to you! I guarantee it will make no sense to anybody else either you care to consult, unless they have substantial foster parenting experience. So don’t bother: your friends, or parents, or other moms and dads won’t be able to help. Worse, because what you are going through is so far outside of normal human experience, many people will start being wary of your kid and/or your entire family. Let’s avoid that if we can. Keep it close to people who have been there, like other foster parents. They tend to be much more useful in this phase than social workers (who often don’t understand this phase at all) or even therapists (it doesn’t happen in the treatment room so they may doubt it exists or is as you describe it).
Your job in this phase is 1) to be the stronger one, and 2) continue to be positive, in control, without ever losing your temper, without shaming the kid, and without saying or doing anything downputting or such. (You will likely not manage to do that some of the time, and that’s okay, but you must try really hard.) The message is “yes, kiddo, I understand you want X, but we are going to do Y, and I am sure you will come around to it. In the meantime, while I don’t like the screaming and so forth, no amount of acting up will make me reject you.” Use whatever words come naturally or sing if you like, but that’s the message. (You of course must mean it; which is one of the reasons why your upfront commitment is so essential. Sometimes it may be all that you have left to fall back on. Yes, sorry, it happens. But there will be better times again.)
Under no circumstances tell yourself “this kid is just too difficult, a bad person, is irredeemable, etc”. Also, don’t tell yourself that you are incompetent either. Neither is true:
- You are doing a job that in my experience is more difficult than almost any other, and of course you aren’t going to ace it! Reaching the finish is all you can expect. (Would you expect to ace a hard math exam? Out-argue a supreme court judge? A marathon before breakfast? Of course not! Why would you think you are failing about this then? This is the hardest version of parenting there is.)
- Your kid, as hard as it may be to believe, is working just as hard as you are. Where do you think they get all that energy from to oppose you? (My plan for this blog is to over time attempt to explain why the kid does what they do. I think I have figured it out now, but it’s complicated, so it will take me a while to write this down. Stay tuned.)
This is the single-most difficult phase of foster parenting. If you have seen it before, for example with a previous foster kid with whom you got through this phase to the next one, it becomes easier. But not by much.
Stay strong, and be positive towards you kid, as hard as it may be, and there will be better times ahead.