(Written previously: Phase 3: Testing)

The bad news is that Phase 3: Testing is not going to go away any time soon or perhaps ever. The good news is that there’s a good chance that blow-ups are going to happen less frequently over time.

How quickly things calm down depends on many things, but you can make it happen faster by doing what I said in the previous post: remain positive and understanding towards your kid, regardless what they are doing when they oppose you as hard as they can. Over time, they will hopefully realize that you not going to be dangerous to them, or rejecting them, even if they put on their very worst behavior over and over again.

And that’s when you can start building a long-term relationship with your kid, one of the reasons you got into this in the first place. This will be 4 steps forward and 3.5 back (sometimes 8 back), so don’t expect miracles, but if you made it through Phase 3 in one piece, you are well on your way.

In this phase, it will likely become much clearer to you where your kid really is developmentally, and what their hopes and fears actually are.  As unlikely as it sounds, here’s my rule of thumb:

Go through whatever information you have about the history of your kid, and find out how old the kid was when the first significant trauma (glossary) occurred. If, say, they entered foster care at age 4, you know that the trauma occured at age 4, or likely earlier (perhaps all the way to before birth … yes, kids can have traumatic memories from before birth).

Take that age, and assume that your kid is really that young and not a bit older. So if you talk to a big hulk of a 16-year-old but his trauma history goes back to age 3, assume that emotionally he’s 3, not 16. As strange as it sounds, if you do that, particularly during conflict, you will be reacting in ways that are going to be much more successful than if you think the kid is as old as his birth certificate says.

And then, if your kid is distressed by whatever, try to understand why and how by thinking of your kid as a very young child, and how such a very young child would be distressed. I admit that after all these years, I still have difficulties doing this. It is not a very natural response! “Shouldn’t she start acting like she’s xxx years old, because she is?” Well, yes, but it’s really difficult if you are 10 years younger, and terrified. It’s really hard to grow up and mature if you are terrified. First the little kid needs to be taken care of.

I have much more to say about that later.

There might be a phase after that. It’s when you forgot it all, and you have just the relationship with your now-adult kid you always wanted, and the troubles are behind you. I don’t know how many foster parents ever get there. I’m not there yet myself, although sometimes I see tantalizing glimpses that such a future might not be entirely impossible.

(Written previously: Phase 2: The best-behaved kid you can imagine)

Here you are, you think you are getting along fine with this great kid. The kid has learned that you always provide food and a good night story, and that you are there with a band aid and a hug when needed. So everything is great. The adrenaline goes down, and the kid knows they do not need to impress you any more with perfect behavior.

Which is when things get “interesting”. The kid will start opposing you. If you want hot dogs, the kid demands broccoli. You serve broccoli, and the kid will rather starve than touch it. (This could be just half an hour later.) About food. Entertainment. Bed times. Whether to brush their teeth. Homework, of course, and anything else they can think of.

But I used the wrong word. “Oppose” does not begin to describe this. They likely will resist you with everything they have at their disposal. If you have experience with your natural-born children and their tempers, you may think you have seen it all. You have not. This is a completely different game, and everything you learned about how to deal with it is not just ineffective, but the exact opposite of what you need to do. (Trust me on this. I will write more about it later. There’s a logic to the madness. For now, I just want you to know that it will look completely insane to you, and that it is not you. It’s just Phase 3 🙂

Why does the kid do this? It makes no sense to you! I guarantee it will make no sense to anybody else either you care to consult, unless they have substantial foster parenting experience. So don’t bother: your friends, or parents, or other moms and dads won’t be able to help. Worse, because what you are going through is so far outside of normal human experience, many people will start being wary of your kid and/or your entire family. Let’s avoid that if we can. Keep it close to people who have been there, like other foster parents. They tend to be much more useful in this phase than social workers (who often don’t understand this phase at all) or even therapists (it doesn’t happen in the treatment room so they may doubt it exists or is as you describe it).

Your job in this phase is 1) to be the stronger one, and 2) continue to be positive, in control, without ever losing your temper, without shaming the kid, and without saying or doing anything downputting or such. (You will likely not manage to do that some of the time, and that’s okay, but you must try really hard.) The message is “yes, kiddo, I understand you want X, but we are going to do Y, and I am sure you will come around to it. In the meantime, while I don’t like the screaming and so forth, no amount of acting up will make me reject you.” Use whatever words come naturally or sing if you like, but that’s the message. (You of course must mean it; which is one of the reasons why your upfront commitment is so essential. Sometimes it may be all that you have left to fall back on. Yes, sorry, it happens. But there will be better times again.)

Under no circumstances tell yourself “this kid is just too difficult, a bad person, is irredeemable, etc”. Also, don’t tell yourself that you are incompetent either. Neither is true:

• You are doing a job that in my experience is more difficult than almost any other, and of course you aren’t going to ace it! Reaching the finish is all you can expect. (Would you expect to ace a hard math exam? Out-argue a supreme court judge? A marathon before breakfast? Of course not! Why would you think you are failing about this then? This is the hardest version of parenting there is.)
• Your kid, as hard as it may be to believe, is working just as hard as you are. Where do you think they get all that energy from to oppose you? (My plan for this blog is to over time attempt to explain why the kid does what they do. I think I have figured it out now, but it’s complicated, so it will take me a while to write this down. Stay tuned.)

This is the single-most difficult phase of foster parenting. If you have seen it before, for example with a previous foster kid with whom you got through this phase to the next one, it becomes easier. But not by much.

Stay strong, and be positive towards you kid, as hard as it may be, and there will be better times ahead.

Next is Phase 4: Learning to live together, warts and all.

(Written previously: Phase 1: Getting to know each other)

Now you get to Phase 2: The best-behaved kid you can imagine. Once the kid has decided that you seem safe and nice, often they want to be as perfect and nice as they possibly can be. (At least the younger kids will; teenagers are more complex.)

In this phase, you are still full of adrenaline attempting to meet all those new parenting challenges that you hadn’t seen before even if you have raised kids before, like enrolling the kid in school if you aren’t the legal parent, like doctors’ visits if you don’t have the right to make certain medical decisions for the kid, like court dates, visits with birth parents and so forth. But fortunately, you think, this is a great kid, they are really easy to deal with, it’s stressful, but this is going to work out great! He or she is so nice and happy all the time!

My advice: enjoy, enjoy and enjoy! It won’t last. Things will change; in my experience about three months later, you get to Phase 3: Testing.

It finally happened. You, and your perhaps-future kid are meeting for the first time in person. This is where Phase 1 of my four phases starts: Getting to know each other.

In this phase, you want to interact with the kid in a lot of different ways to have some idea who they are and whether you can get along. The kid will want the same thing from you. Keep in mind that they have no reason whatsoever to trust you until you have earned that trust. So your job is to behave in a way that communicates (truthfully!) how life is going to be with you, in particularly if you are still safe even if you are mad or the kid screwed up badly.

Of course kids don’t like theoretical statements. So instead of talking about it, do some stuff together, and see whether you can have fun together and solve problems as they occur. Depending on the age, that might be play on the swing, build a sand castle, go bowling, play a (short) board game or walk the dog. Don’t spend any money on fancy activities or presents. However, a little trinket that reflects the interests of the kid might go a long way. Say the kid likes to draw: bring a $0.99 book to draw in. It communicates to the kid that you care about what they like, and want to do things with them. You can bet they will notice. In particular if nobody ever listened to them before; unfortunately something that happens all too often with foster kids. (If you brought something expensive instead, you will communicate to the kid that you have money and nothing about that you care. You don’t want that message.)

Just like you do, the kid has a veto at this stage. Do not assume their consent, you have to earn it, and the most important thing to do is to listen to the kid and spend your full attention on them when you meet.

This phase is a little like dating, and the outcome is a decision whether you can commit to this kid for the long term. Don’t proceed to the next phase unless you are really clear to yourself about that. The social workers might pressure you to have the kid placed with you yesterday, but resist. While you can legally undo your decision, in my book you can’t, as you know if you read my previous posts.

When you are ready to proceed, you go to Phase 2: The best-behaved kid you can imagine.

(Written previously: Phase 1: Getting to know each other)

The phone just rang, your social worker was on the line and told you that you have been “matched”. They want to place a kid with you. What now? When you meet, what do you say to the kid? What should you do, or not do? Will the kid like me? Hug me? Be scared of me? A hundred questions just for the first meeting. And as the relationship between you and the kid develops, there will be thousands more.

First, don’t panic. It will be fine. Carry a smile, but always be yourself.

It has been helpful to me to think of the relationship between the kid and me as going through a few distinct phases over time. What the right thing to do or not to do is, depends on which phase you are in.

In that first meeting, it starts with:
Phase 1: Getting to know each other (separate post).

Once your kid is placed with you, you get to:
Phase 2: The best-behaved kid you can imagine.

In Phase 3: Testing, things go from very bad to much worse. Sorry.

And once you made it through, you finally get to
Phase 4: Learning to live together, warts and all. This is where normalcy begins to happen, and where you probably wanted to be in the first place.

I add links to longer posts for each phase once I have them. Stay tuned.