It finally happened. You, and your perhaps-future kid are meeting for the first time in person. This is where Phase 1 of my four phases starts: Getting to know each other.

In this phase, you want to interact with the kid in a lot of different ways to have some idea who they are and whether you can get along. The kid will want the same thing from you. Keep in mind that they have no reason whatsoever to trust you until you have earned that trust. So your job is to behave in a way that communicates (truthfully!) how life is going to be with you, in particularly if you are still safe even if you are mad or the kid screwed up badly.

Of course kids don’t like theoretical statements. So instead of talking about it, do some stuff together, and see whether you can have fun together and solve problems as they occur. Depending on the age, that might be play on the swing, build a sand castle, go bowling, play a (short) board game or walk the dog. Don’t spend any money on fancy activities or presents. However, a little trinket that reflects the interests of the kid might go a long way. Say the kid likes to draw: bring a $0.99 book to draw in. It communicates to the kid that you care about what they like, and want to do things with them. You can bet they will notice. In particular if nobody ever listened to them before; unfortunately something that happens all too often with foster kids. (If you brought something expensive instead, you will communicate to the kid that you have money and nothing about that you care. You don’t want that message.)

Just like you do, the kid has a veto at this stage. Do not assume their consent, you have to earn it, and the most important thing to do is to listen to the kid and spend your full attention on them when you meet.

This phase is a little like dating, and the outcome is a decision whether you can commit to this kid for the long term. Don’t proceed to the next phase unless you are really clear to yourself about that. The social workers might pressure you to have the kid placed with you yesterday, but resist. While you can legally undo your decision, in my book you can’t, as you know if you read my previous posts.

When you are ready to proceed, you go to Phase 2: The best-behaved kid you can imagine.

(Written previously: Phase 1: Getting to know each other)