(Written previously: Phase 3: Testing)

The bad news is that Phase 3: Testing is not going to go away any time soon or perhaps ever. The good news is that there’s a good chance that blow-ups are going to happen less frequently over time.

How quickly things calm down depends on many things, but you can make it happen faster by doing what I said in the previous post: remain positive and understanding towards your kid, regardless what they are doing when they oppose you as hard as they can. Over time, they will hopefully realize that you not going to be dangerous to them, or rejecting them, even if they put on their very worst behavior over and over again.

And that’s when you can start building a long-term relationship with your kid, one of the reasons you got into this in the first place. This will be 4 steps forward and 3.5 back (sometimes 8 back), so don’t expect miracles, but if you made it through Phase 3 in one piece, you are well on your way.

In this phase, it will likely become much clearer to you where your kid really is developmentally, and what their hopes and fears actually are.  As unlikely as it sounds, here’s my rule of thumb:

Go through whatever information you have about the history of your kid, and find out how old the kid was when the first significant trauma (glossary) occurred. If, say, they entered foster care at age 4, you know that the trauma occured at age 4, or likely earlier (perhaps all the way to before birth … yes, kids can have traumatic memories from before birth).

Take that age, and assume that your kid is really that young and not a bit older. So if you talk to a big hulk of a 16-year-old but his trauma history goes back to age 3, assume that emotionally he’s 3, not 16. As strange as it sounds, if you do that, particularly during conflict, you will be reacting in ways that are going to be much more successful than if you think the kid is as old as his birth certificate says.

And then, if your kid is distressed by whatever, try to understand why and how by thinking of your kid as a very young child, and how such a very young child would be distressed. I admit that after all these years, I still have difficulties doing this. It is not a very natural response! “Shouldn’t she start acting like she’s xxx years old, because she is?” Well, yes, but it’s really difficult if you are 10 years younger, and terrified. It’s really hard to grow up and mature if you are terrified. First the little kid needs to be taken care of.

I have much more to say about that later.

There might be a phase after that. It’s when you forgot it all, and you have just the relationship with your now-adult kid you always wanted, and the troubles are behind you. I don’t know how many foster parents ever get there. I’m not there yet myself, although sometimes I see tantalizing glimpses that such a future might not be entirely impossible.